How To Get By In The Office Without Knowing Anyone's Name

I am just over a month into my new job and there are a lot of people that work in the office. Pretty much everyday I see a new football coach that wasn't there yesterday. I am a man of honesty, integrity, and red hair. What I am not a man of is a man with a good memory. It's not that I don't listen either. My girlfriend used to get angry at me but she realized too that after 10 minutes of entering my head, it's right back out, even if it is important. It may be ADD, it may be laziness. I really don't care (apparently it is due to apathy).

Now since I have to deal with coaches and other members of the athletic staff daily, it would seem it is important to remember these names. But in reality, all you need to know is a few names to get by. There are three important things to remember:

The Over Hi'ers: no matter what office you work in, there is the over peppy person. You know, the "Oh hi! How is your day so far even though it's 8 AM and it looks like you had a night of binge drinking and possibly prostitution but I'm still going to talk really loud as if there is a concert playing behind the wall." Unfortunetaly these are the people you need to remember their names for 1. they always say hi to you with your name, so you have to remember theirs and 2. to make fun of them later when you are slightly less hung over. Luckily, there are only a few of these, so write it down and make a note.

The Dudes: These are the easy and simple crowds. These are the people you use the standard dude move. When walking by you give the nod of the head slightly upwards and simply say "whats up" or "yo buddy" or "hey hows it going." Sometimes you'll find you are having these phrases ready before you even see anyone, but make sure you don't get caught off guard. Recently I feel into one of these situations:

(me walking down the hall passing a football coach)
Football Coach: Yo man, you see that game
Me: Hey hows it going

You look and feel silly for a few minutes after this happens, but he's most likely not going to care because he knows what situation you're in. He probably got a good 6 hours of sleep the night before and you still have 3 different stamps on your hand from the night before and your eyes are more blood shot than Bob Marley. Just shake it off and get ready for the next walk down the hall.


The Handshake: These, I have found, are the most awkward of situations. The more diverse your office is, the more handshakes you will find yourself having to remember. Sometimes you'll get the straight fist pound guy, sometimes you'll get a hi-five. Most of the time it's some sort of weird combo. And it's not an issue of white, black, Asian, or whatever race you are. It's really a regional thing. But when push comes to shove, you have to remember what kind of handshake you do with someone more than their name, because there is nothing more awkward than trying to go for fist pound when the other guy is going for the fist shake. Your hands will just mush together in an uncomfortable ball of awkwardness. You can always ask a name again, especially if you're new, but it's always uncomfortable when you have awkward physical connection, especially with another dude (if you're straight, that is).

Those are basically the three things you have to keep in mind when starting a new job. The work and the responsibility thing just falls in the place, so don't worry about that.

Well, Can't Hardly Wait is on and I'm out of money, so looks like I'll be on the couch for the rest of the night, which isn't too bad of a thing.

Until next time,
Redsy