Friday, November 30, 2007

How To Fight A Ninja

I'm bringing up how to fight a ninja today because there is a guy who has been going around our apartment complex dressed like a ninja, armed with num-chucks robbing places. Originally, he would just take stuff and not start any combat with the unfortunate people who cross his path. But now he's taking action against them, numing them with his chucks and hurting them pretty bad. Now the neighborhood I currently reside in is not a very wealthy one. One could say most of the people, if not all of them, are pretty damn poor. Example: below me lives an old Vietnam vet named Bruce who claims he's finishing his masters in Arizona while his son is an important stock broker in New York. In reality, it's just some poor guy who's son occasionally lives with him who, I've put together, may or may not sell boxes of staples out of his trunk. Living with Bruce is El, a crazy animal activist who tried pawning off a stray dog that smelled like ball of old baby food mashed up with Uncle Kenny's gym socks. And I don't even have an Uncle Kenny. Regardless, me and my roommate are pretty sure she runs some sort of drug trade out of her apartment because there will randomly be huge SUV's stopped outside of our place, some big black dude (he doesn't have to be black, they just usually are) stops in the house for about a minute, then is on his merry way. Times these two odd balls by a few hundred, and you have the complex we live in.

Back to the ninja. The ninja has been terrorizing our heavenly apartment complex for quite some time now, possibly around August. He has not hit anyone's apartment that I know, which leads me to believe that he will soon. This also makes me think it may be us who is next. So the question arises: how do you fight a ninja when you are a red headed non-irish shapey student who has no experience in hand to hand combat and bad vision. My first thought was a gun, but I don't have one, they are expensive and even more dangerous than anyone else with a gun due to the amount of alcohol that is consumed in my apartment and the stupid ideas we come up on when we are on said alcohol. But it is a good option for someone who is actually responsible, because if this guy was really good, he would be spreading his ninja spirit through somewhere like Park Ave, not Grymes Hill.

Then I started to think about the mentality of a ninja in Staten Island. I started to wonder if fighting a ninja is like fighting a bear on the Appalachian trail. I've been reading "A Walk In The Woods" by Bill Bryson who humorously comments that an expert says to run at the bear and make lots of loud noises to scare it away. Though later the expert comments that these actions may provoke the bear and does lead to unnecessary attacks. I somewhat believe the same goes for ninja's. I'm pretty sure that if I spot him in my apartment, I can just yell out a really weird comment that personally degrades him, which will stun him for a second so that I can kick him in the balls, taint, or head. But again, I believe this may just provoke him and he will then send a whirl-wind of num-chucks at my head.

So where does that leave me? Really no where. I have my bat under my bed in case anyone comes in uninvited, ninja or not. I also have my roommate, a black man who is friendly to close ones, but can kick the shit out of any foes. Besides that, I don't think there really is much more I can do unless I go all crazy and believe he's around every corner and set up so many boobie traps that I'll eventually succumb to my own death because I'll forget one of them. Either way, I hate Stat Rats.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Rap vs. Hippies

The color of my hair doesn't represent the musical tastes one would think I stick too. Hell, most of the music I listen to would lead you to thinking that all I listen to is neo-hippie-esque tunes. Back in the day (am I even old enough to say that?) I used to detest rap. I thought all it was was a bunch of untalented people getting on a mic and spitting out rhymes that not only had no meanings, but really had no point to them at all. I'm talking about the Lil' Jon's and their Get Low, the Sir-Mix-Alot's and their Baby Got Backs and House of Pain was teaching us to just Jump Around. Run DMC not only ruined on of my favorite songs from my favorite artists, but Aerosmith helped them out. Hell, Marshal Mathers was just sitting up there telling us his name was who? Rap, to me, was just a desecration on the music industry. They stole beats from great songs and basically butchered the entire masterpiece. These songs contrasted with the ones I was raised on and grew to love. I enthralled myself with songs with meaning and the artists had respect for what they put onto the paper. I'm talking Simon & Garfunkel, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin to today's artists like DMB, Phish, Pearl Jam, and Jack Johnson.

But as I've grown as a person, my musical musings have also grown (though I still think country can take a big dirt nap). I also notice that my niativy from before has sparked new light onto the people I once praised. So here is a top 6 list for the ages (I tried top 10, but I’m a bit tired right now), of not only rap songs I love (and have true meaning) but are contrasted with artists I defended to the end about their musical importance in the world, and the songs they have written that just do not make sense.

6. The Fugees - Fu-Gee-La
Wyclef Jean starts this off with vocals that not only make you nod your head, but listen to the words brings to the table. The Fugees alone are one of the, if not, best rap groups that has ever approached a stage. Lauren Hill's sweet voice reigns over the chorus, but she makes sure she doesn't seem like the little girl in the background and she puts her own raps onto the table that keep you going. This song is not the normal song people think about when they hear the Fugees, but it's one of my favorite.

Line of the Song:
Just because your buff, don't play tuff
Cause I'll reverse the earth and turn your flesh back to dust.

6. Dave Matthews Band - Hunger For The Great Light
DMB used to be my favorite band of all time. They still kind of are, though I hold other current bands at the same level of them. Dave, himself, used to be a lyrical master. Even on the subject of naughty sex and love, he has pulled out some amazing songs including Crash Into Me, Say Goodbye and Rapunzel. These songs subtly and poetically play around with the subject of love, lust, and sex. Hunger's lyrics are one step around from "I want to put my penis your vagina and thrust in and out till I'm done." It not only lacks the great lyrics, but musically it is terrible. Carter Beauford sits in the pocket the entire time, Leroi Moore's saxophone is in the background and Boyd Tinsley's violin is nowhere to be seen. Nope, this song is one DMB fans like to forget about many times over.

Line of the Song:
I wanna be your HUNGRY
I wanna see you open wide
And when I go down for you
I wanna blow your mind

5. Talib Kweli - Get By
Backed with Nina Simone classic Sinnerman, Kweli not only puts clever rhymes to amazing music, but does it without sugar coating the lyrics. This song not only keeps my foot bouncing with the bass drum, but enthralls my mind in all the lyrics to the point where when my mind can't keep up, I just look them up on google and read them as if I were reading a new Frost or Whitman. Now, I'm not compairing Kweli to Walt, but his lyrics, in a way, have the same effect on me when I just read them. This is one of those songs.

Line of the Song:
Some people get breast enhancements and penis enlargers
Saturday sinners Sunday morning at the feet of the Father
They need somethin to rely on, we get high on all types of drug
When, all you really need is love

5. Eric Clapton - Cocaine
Now this song is not a Clapton original, but I had to put this song on there because 1. his version is the more popular version and 2. if this were a rap song, I would probably cast it off as "oh they are just talking about drugs and it's a terrible message," cause, well, thats what it really is. When I think of Clapton, I don't think of his lyrics, I think of his wailing solo's. Layla is one of the musical masterpieces of the century. But this song simply is about using cocaine. No way around it.

Line of the Song:
If you wanna hang out youve got to take her out; cocaine.
If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine.
She dont lie, she dont lie, she dont lie; cocaine.

4. Kanye West - Roses
This song is Kanye at his best. The song goes through the struggle about when his grandmother was sick and died. Now, I know Ye has gone slightly off his rocker in the last few months, thinking he's the greatest thing to hit people since Oxygen, but this track off Late Registration is lyrically one of the best he's ever put out. And I put Kanye on this list because he does have songs that are like the ones I used to hate, like New Workout Plan, where he basically raps about how girls need to work out and suck his dong (I will admit I love listening to that song). But the somber tone to Roses just makes you sit back and think because not only does he put his heart out on the line, but there becomes a time in your own life that you wish there was something extra you could do to save someone you love.

Line of the Song:
My mama say, they say she could pass away any day
Hey chick what these doctors know anyway?
Let me see the X-rays
I ain't no expert, I'm just hurt

4. The Beatles - Love Me Do
The Beatles are great and they are in my top 5 bands of all time. But they were kinda corny at times. This song is the first that came to mind when I was thinking of corny Beatles songs. I think it is inevitable that they push out at least one or two corny songs about love when that is basically all they wrote about before they started hitting the hash and George was over in India learning sitar. But this song is basically a repetitive song both lyrically and musically that could have been written by a fourth grade poetry class.

Line of the Song:

Love, love me do.
You know I love you,
I'll always be true,
So please, love me do.
Whoa, love me do.

3. Mos Def - Umi Says
This isn't really a rap song to me, it's much more jazz than it is rap. Mighty Mos doesn't even really rap and more sings, but Mos is very much a rapper and this song off of Black on Both Sides radiates through my ears anytime it comes on. It's one of those songs I listen to every time I got into the city by myself to walk around. I can I just look around at all the people rushing around me and it makes me slow down and just observe, realize I don't need to keep up with them and go at my own pace. I think I may be the only one to pick Umi Says as my favorite Mos Def song, though I may be wrong. I've only talked to one or two people about Mos, and they both like Rock 'N' Roll more. But that's what is great about Mos. He's got a great amount of depth in his music.

Line of the Song:
Tomorrow may never come
For and me
Life is not promised
Tomorrow may never appear
You better hold this very moment very close to you
Very close to you

3. Billy Joel – We Didn’t Start The Fire

Though this song is interpreted (by Wikipedia) as a criticism of the Baby Boomer generation, I see this as Billy bored and looking through a history text book (or, again, Wikipedia if the internet was around in 89). This song to me is just a play off REM’s It’s The End of The World As We Know It, which came out a year earlier. Everyone doesn’t know the words to it and looks confused while mumbling the verse, but drunkenly rejoice and sing your heart out when the chorus comes up. Nope, Joel could have been more creative on this one.

Line of the Song:

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland

2. Lupe Fiasco – Daydreamin’

Listening to this song without a second listen, you would think this songs is just about trick, hoes, bitties, and titties, cocaine and smoking. But my interpretation of the songs is that he is telling a story about how many of the people around him got by through day to day life. It really turns around after he tells a girl to “put your titties closer to the 22’s” but goes on to talk about a baby sleeping and how innocent he is. One could argue against this song, but, again, it’s all how you interpret the song, and to me I see Lupe putting much more into this song that it initially gives credit to. That and it is backed by the beautiful voice of Jill Scott who gives the song it’s soothing sound.

Line of the Song:

But not too loud cause the baby's sleepin
I wonder if it knows what the world is keepin
Up both sleeves while he lay there dreamin

2.. Red Hot Chili Peppers – I Like Dirt

RHCP are not know for their great lyrics, though they do have great jems. The fact that I am putting them on this list is because 1. they have many many songs that don’t really make sense/have much meaning and 2. I listen to them a lot. Most of my playlists usually have at least one RHCP song on it. They put down many songs that just get you moving and at other times they have some of the most wonderful and reflective songs. Look at tracks like If, Wet Sand, Under The Bridge and Soul to Squeeze. But I Like Dirt is, well, weird. It has a funky beat and the lyrics are just awkward. And when you get done listening to Californication, it’s usually the song that sticks in your head while you’re walking through the hall to make copies and you spit out a “I like dirt” slip out as you pass the girl you’ve been subtly hitting on for the past few weeks and embarrass yourself. So, maybe I’m a bit biased about this song, but it’s one that I’ve always finished listening to and gone WTF?

Line of the Song:

Some come up and some come young
Live to love and give good tongue
Sit down get down in the sun
Rocket to the women is on the one
I like dirt

1. Jay-Z – Pray

I’m a Hova newbie and only have a few of his 13 albums. This one is off his latest, American Gangster, a concept album inspired by the movie of the same title and about his days as a hustler. This song, the second on the album, first if you don’t count the first song, which is an intro full of sound bites from the movie, really serves as a pump up song, even though it is smooth and rich full of violins and clever beats. It leads you up to what is Hova’s true come back to the game, unlike his album Kingdom Come, that was, well terrible. I know there are better Sean Carter songs out there to fit what I am trying to do here, but this one is the one that sticks out in my mind the most. Enjoy it.

Line of the Song:

I’m trying to beat life

Cause I can’t cheat death

1.. Pearl Jam – Lukin

Surprisingly, it took me a really long time to find a Pearl Jam song that fit this category. I was confused to how long it took me to find one namely because most of the time you can’t really tell what Eddie Vedder is saying. But once you figure out the enigma that is Vedder’s delivery, you’ll see that he and the band are great at putting down meaningful songs. This live favorite though, is, well, just weird. You can in no way tell what he is really saying and if you were drunk (which most fans are when they attend shows) there is no way you can keep up with steady Eddie on this sub two minute tune. I wish it took me that long to find the song.

Line of the Song:

Drive down the street can't find my keys to my own fucking home
I take a walk so i can curse my ass for being dumb

Monday, November 19, 2007

The 3 Reasons Why I Would Crush Alicia Keys

Besides the obvious reason that Alicia Keys is one of the most beautiful people in the music industry, I thought I'd list down the reason why if given the opportunity, I would do crazy things to Alicia Keys.

1. She brings Sexy Back - Many of today's female artists fall under what I call the skank-dar. There are the Lohans, the ever crazy Britney Spears, Gwen Stefani is just straight up nasty (and I mean in the you look like a ho every time you're on tv), Ciara caries 90% of the world's disease in her sausage wallet and Rhiani is just a straight up wham job. You name it, and they are hos. But Keys brings it back time and time again in a very sexy way kind of way. And there are very few things I find sexy in the old fashioned-true sense of the word. Saxophones are sexy. Spooning is, at times, sexy. Alicia Keys is sexy. She could probably pull off farting being sexy. Typically today, when someone wants to write about making love or, as I like to call it sometimes, "slammin bitties", they just get straight to the point and tell the listen they want to skeet all over their clothes or seomthing. But Key's lyrics are just shining poetic genius. If you need an example, listen to Wreckless Love off her new album. That song not only makes her sexy, but it brings me to my next point...

2. She's got soul. I'm not talking about the "she's got soul cause she's part black" (more on that later) but she's got both that putting everything into each performance style while still keeping true to R&B, something that is lost in this dying genre. Many of her songs bring forth memories of Marvin Gaye and Aretha Franklin. She's one of the few that still keep the genre going, along with Jill Scott.

3. She's bi-racial - Yes, for some reason that is hot to me. There is no real reason for it except that it's exotic to me. And exotic is sexy (as long as it doesn't give me AIDS). Plus, she's part Irish. That means she carries the ever important "red head" gene somewhere in her DNA. That and her father is Jamacian. So if I were ever to somehow not only score with her, but plant the seed, I would possibly have a red headed son that does not have to wear spf 90.

Thats about it. Time for Sportscenter.


Friday, November 16, 2007

Sandy Thompson

So I was thinking the other day while reading my really old issue of Rolling Stone about Hunter S. Thompson that I Thompson, but with no cocaine problem and with sand in my vagina. Thompson did extactly what I want to do, but instead of being a coked out maniac, I want to be a rediculsously rich guy who does everything that people always dream about when they are rich. My goal in life is to become rich enough where at one point I just stop, unlike the money bags that keep fighting for more and more. I want to work non-sense jobs like the lumber section of Home Depot or at a langerie store. I just want to do things for about a week or until I'm bored and then move on. Each time I'll have a different name and it'll be interesting. I'm a terrible when you put me in front of the camera, but out in the open I can be anyone you want to be. Hi, I'm Scott Bibbles from Virigina.

In the Hunter Thompson way, I would totally just do things out of the ordinary, and if they bother people to the point where they sue me, then go ahead. Again, I have tons of money. In my American History class a few years ago, our hippie professor told a story where at one point (or at all points) Thompson had a lawyer with him at all times because of the shit he did. One time on the way to a dinner with someone important he stopped at a navy shop and got a super loud air horn and in the middle of dinner, just set it off, breaking glasses and what not.

That is what I want to be. The jerk millionaire, but when people think about it in the end, I'm not that big of a jerk since all I'm doing is having some laughs as opposed to the millionares that swindle money out of people. And, for added insurance, I'll posed with soem decrepid kids and give them a sac of money so whenever someone complains about me, I shove the picture in their face.

One thing I am obssessed with doing when I'm rich is to just carry around at random times a briefcase full of money or to have a big bag of coints with a money sign on the outside. That is the kind of shit I want to do/say I've done. I want to take a bath in pudding just to see what it feels like. I want to pay two hobo's to fight, and then in the end, just give them a thousand dollars extra (and then secretly watch them waste it away on meth). The movie totally sucked and I can't believe I'm publically announcing that I've watched this, but I want to do what the guys in Rat Race did.

Anyway, today's millionaires suck.


Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Many Things

Buckle up boys and girls. This is gonna be a long one (at least I think). Here are a few topics I'd like to discuss, starting with the most exciting.

Pappa Loves Mob-o
So I saw a mob hit/deal go down...atleast I think I did. It had everything in the makings on one: really seedy italian guys with high coat collars, a dock, I definitely saw one of them have a piece, and finally the lonely stranger that got forced into a car that sped up right as he walked passed it and sped off into the night just as fast. This all happened as I was on my way back from a fun day in the City, somewhere I haven't been/remembered being to in quite a long time.

Last time I WAS in the city was for Halloween. From what I remember, which isn't much, was lot of girls with their janglies all hanging out for everyone to see, me getting yelled at for commenting on on girl's janglies (honestly, if they are out, you want people to look at them) and then apparenlty I almost got into a fight with anywhere between 2-6 lesbians, or at least thats what my roomate said. There were thousands of people in the village on Halloween and apparenlty I had my lesbo radar on and just kept running into them. Again, I don't remember said event, but roomate said it was hilarious, so I'm going to take his word.

(come to think of it, he was smashed too. And since we were in the village, we may have just assumed every girl we ran into was an angry lesbian when in reality they were just angry straight girls pissed because two lumps literally ran into them)

Same Name Johnny's
I've realized when I'm watching a show or movie, I like it when the actor's name is the name of the character that he or she is playing. Like in 30 Rock, which I have heavily gotten into in the last few weeks. Tracy Morgan's character is named Tracy. It just makes me feel that these people live the strange lives they have on the show and not some humdrum lives they probably lead involving making the earth green or saving kittens. Tracy Morgan better not be like that. Say it aint so Tracy.

Sweater Savers
One thing I've noticed as winter is upon us is that the cold season is the time for members of the itty-bitty-titty-committee to shine. In the summer, regardless of face and sometimes body type, girls with the big boobies get much of the attention. But in the winter a sweater covers up much. But this is the time for our small boobed friends to shine. Plus winter wear is sexy in a way. I'm not talking about parkas being the new turn on, but I'm saying you don't need to be in a skimpy bikini to look really really nice (but, again, bikini's have the edge).

Also, girls in baseball hats are probably the hottest thing in the world. And that's all I will say on that.

So apparenlty this isn't a long one. I ran out of ideas I was going to talk about. So until I remember/Wiskey reminds me, this is it. Not funny and probably more anoying to read, but I'm pretty tired and I'm about to try to see American Gangster for the 2nd time. The first time the movie cut out half way and they never restarted it. Man I hate Stat Rats.