Friday, November 30, 2007

How To Fight A Ninja

I'm bringing up how to fight a ninja today because there is a guy who has been going around our apartment complex dressed like a ninja, armed with num-chucks robbing places. Originally, he would just take stuff and not start any combat with the unfortunate people who cross his path. But now he's taking action against them, numing them with his chucks and hurting them pretty bad. Now the neighborhood I currently reside in is not a very wealthy one. One could say most of the people, if not all of them, are pretty damn poor. Example: below me lives an old Vietnam vet named Bruce who claims he's finishing his masters in Arizona while his son is an important stock broker in New York. In reality, it's just some poor guy who's son occasionally lives with him who, I've put together, may or may not sell boxes of staples out of his trunk. Living with Bruce is El, a crazy animal activist who tried pawning off a stray dog that smelled like ball of old baby food mashed up with Uncle Kenny's gym socks. And I don't even have an Uncle Kenny. Regardless, me and my roommate are pretty sure she runs some sort of drug trade out of her apartment because there will randomly be huge SUV's stopped outside of our place, some big black dude (he doesn't have to be black, they just usually are) stops in the house for about a minute, then is on his merry way. Times these two odd balls by a few hundred, and you have the complex we live in.

Back to the ninja. The ninja has been terrorizing our heavenly apartment complex for quite some time now, possibly around August. He has not hit anyone's apartment that I know, which leads me to believe that he will soon. This also makes me think it may be us who is next. So the question arises: how do you fight a ninja when you are a red headed non-irish shapey student who has no experience in hand to hand combat and bad vision. My first thought was a gun, but I don't have one, they are expensive and even more dangerous than anyone else with a gun due to the amount of alcohol that is consumed in my apartment and the stupid ideas we come up on when we are on said alcohol. But it is a good option for someone who is actually responsible, because if this guy was really good, he would be spreading his ninja spirit through somewhere like Park Ave, not Grymes Hill.

Then I started to think about the mentality of a ninja in Staten Island. I started to wonder if fighting a ninja is like fighting a bear on the Appalachian trail. I've been reading "A Walk In The Woods" by Bill Bryson who humorously comments that an expert says to run at the bear and make lots of loud noises to scare it away. Though later the expert comments that these actions may provoke the bear and does lead to unnecessary attacks. I somewhat believe the same goes for ninja's. I'm pretty sure that if I spot him in my apartment, I can just yell out a really weird comment that personally degrades him, which will stun him for a second so that I can kick him in the balls, taint, or head. But again, I believe this may just provoke him and he will then send a whirl-wind of num-chucks at my head.

So where does that leave me? Really no where. I have my bat under my bed in case anyone comes in uninvited, ninja or not. I also have my roommate, a black man who is friendly to close ones, but can kick the shit out of any foes. Besides that, I don't think there really is much more I can do unless I go all crazy and believe he's around every corner and set up so many boobie traps that I'll eventually succumb to my own death because I'll forget one of them. Either way, I hate Stat Rats.

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