Sunday, December 16, 2007

5 Things I'm Deathly Afraid Of

So as per a conversation I was having with Ian J right after a great calming nap that probably rivals the one that Judas had before he turned Jesus over to Pilot, I decided to post the top 5 things I am deathly afraid of.

5. Receiving Butt Sex and giving Blow Jobs.

The one reason I made the life decision to stay away heroin or cocaine is so I can stay away from these two things. It's also why I'm trying to be a model citizen. Due to my pasty skin, my rolly jolly contortion of my body and my lack of any fighting skills past the skills those of a sixth grader, I'm definitely getting raped in prison. This is an experience I think will silence me forever. I'm generally a goofy guy who makes jokes on people and myself. If this were to happen, I definitely would probably become a mime. Plus, if I were ever forced to give a bj in prison, I'm most likely dead because I'm definitely puking or passing out right away, which will probably lead to getting shanked in the ear (by a knife, hopefully only a knife).

These are also the reasons I'm not gay. That and I think kissing a dude would make me puke and I love ever so much, the boobies. Female boobs are too cool to pass up.

4. Drowning.

I think this would be the worst way to die. I get in such a frantic panic if my comforter is over my head when I wake up and I can't breathe normally. I also can only hold my breathe for maybe 30 seconds. But I love booze and boats and floating. So the possibility of this happening to me haunts me in my nightmares. If I ever imagine of dieing while peacefully sleeping, it's usually from drinking in my pool of my exotic mansion with tons of bitties sleeping pool-side while I fall off my flotation device in a drunken stupor and never surface alive again. That, or I'm shot by my cousin, which I can't really figure out why that dream comes up every once in awhile, but it does.

3. The near Apocalypse

Given all the scare tactics that both hippies and conservative alike are giving to the world added with the events of the Terminator series kind of unfolding upon us and we're doing nothing about it added to the fact that record executives are still allowing Nickleback to record music and promote their albums, I kind of fear that the apocalypse for the human race is upon us during my life time...which sucks. Humans have been around for how long now? And it's gonna happen when I'm around? That sucks. And some might try to ease me by saying I've had it better than people in the 700 AD due to technology, but when a. that technology is going to kill me one day (again, ala Terminator) or b. I can't afford any of the goodies. Sure I have running water and a toilet in the house, but I love to poo in the woods. It's somewhat funny to me (and disturbing to others) when I'm hiking and I have to poo (I don't go running for the closest forrest whenever I have to go). But I just think it's unfair, whether it's a flash flood from the melting ice caps or a giant meteor crashing into Georgia or even a cybernetic robot slicing and dicing me, for this to happen when I'm alive. Let it happen to my kids when I'm long gone.

2. Pooing my pants in public

Yea, this would be terrible. Especially if it's at a bar and I'm totally getting it down with a hot chick. And if anyone knows me, there are times where I only have about a 5 minute warning to get the hell to a bathroom and let it fly. I don't know why this is and it is most likely a problem I should get checked out, but sometimes I only know minutes in advance that I gotta go. My biggest fear isn't even the cleanliness of it. It's the fact that these type of things are stuff that people never let go. Hook up with an ugly chick, yea sometimes thats forgettable stuff and if it isn't, at least you can laugh at it with them. If you can laugh at pooing yourself at your 20 year college reunion, the time when you are trying to convince that one girl from your American History class that you never got with and really really wanted to that you really are wealthy and that the Ford Focus you pulled up in was only a rental cause you crashed your Ferrari the other day and they got the rentals switched up with some Earth saving hippie, then you indeed have problems.

1. Face paint.

Yea. I said it. Face paint scares the figgity fuck out of me. When it's on your face, it just kinda makes your face all stiff and smelly that it just makes me want to vomit. Add that to the fact that if you make a ton of facial features throughout the course of the night wearing face paint, it cracks and flakes all about, which again, makes me want to spew. Thats all I really have to say about this one. It scares me to death.

Honorable Mention: Wind.

In between posting this, I was quietly reading my Rolling Stone in the bathroom and the wind was doing a number to my house, blowing abouts on the roof and making loud noises. Why must wind bully people so relentlessly. I think the thing that scares me about wind is that it's so sneaky, especially when there aren't any leaves or anything around to show it's presence. Leaves to wind is like powdered sugar to the invisible man. But the reason this didn't make the list is because of the hilarity wind brings me when I'm ready for it. Have you ever seen a short person knocked over by wind? I'm talking totally nocked off their feet screaming with their hair blowing all around. I sure have. And it was increadi-fucking-ble.

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