Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Guest Spot

The following is a guest blog apearance by probably one of the two people who actually read this, Ian J.

Last night I opened my AOL homepage and noticed a little article about global warming. Now like most intelligent people I always assumed that Al Gore was just some nut bag, and that global warming (much like the famed sasquatch of the Pacific North West) was just an urban legend parents told their kids to prevent them from using up all their precious hair spray and running the air condition too high in the summer. According to the article however, global warming may be happening at a rate fast enough to melt all polar ice by the summer of 2012 (much, much worse than even the worst case scenarios developed by computers). On top of all this, today I was reading a little article on ESPN which for some reason got into Eta Carinae
. This is a massive star which as the article mentions, and wikipedia confirms, has the potential to turn supernova and blast the planet with a sterilizing wave of radiation anywhere between the next few years and a million years from now (sweet estimate), With this in mind, I thought I'd cook up a quick top five "to-do" list to prepare for the pending apocalypse. Since the supernova occurrence would pretty much be game over no matter what I'll focus on what to do in preparation for the ice melt...

Step 1: Dont go to the gym.

This may sound counter intuitive to some over eager types, and you might think an event like the ice caps melting and the planet flooding would require a lot of physical strength, but in fact its quite the opposite. Fat stored on the body will be important for both keeping warm and surviving long foodless droughts. Those who are slender and fit will surely be the first to perish. Keep this in mind before joining a gym and/or urging others to do so.

Step 2: Arm yourself.

It is likely that once the planet floods people in costal areas are going to have to seek refuge in the middle area of the country. DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY! Along with costal people moving from the edges of the country we are going to have to start worrying about big feet (plural of big foot). These monsters are going to be angry and aggressive. Driven from their homes in the Pacific North West these once reclusive giants will take on a new blood lust. Competition for food and bitter resentment towards our culture is going to cause conflict... so be prepared.

Step 3: Buy a sonar jamming device.

With water dominating the planet more so than ever it will likely become the age of the dolphin. Already known as dangerous pack hunters and considered the bullies of the ocean, look for these highly intelligent mammals to take over and begin wreaking havoc. Their society will grow to epic proportions if they aren't stopped. The solution? Put an end to their sonar locating pings with a sonar jamming device of your very own, and while they're disoriented kick them in their blow holes. Scientists have proven that this is the most effective way to show a dolphin who's boss.

Step 4: Stock up on lots of mints.

Minty fresh breath is important when meeting new people, remember you only get to make a first impression once.

Step 5: Learn how to Salsa Dance.

If your like me, and I assume everyone is, the one thing you've always wanted to know how to do is salsa dance. Well the time table has been laid out and there's only about five years left to learn how to get it done. You think there's gonna be time to learn when your competing with terrifying packs of ravenous dolphi and blood thirsty big feet for food?!?! Well there's not going to be. So stop putting off classes and saying you'll get around to it and register already.

Best of luck in the future,

Ian J.

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